1. The Exhausted Blonde
An exhausted-looking blonde dragged herself into the doctor’s office.
“Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”
The doctor smiled reassuringly and began rummaging through a drawer filled with sample medications.
“I have good news for you,” he said. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. Just take a few of these, and your troubles should be over.”
“Great,” the blonde replied. “I’ll try anything at this point.”
A few weeks later, she returned—looking even more tired than before.
“Doctor, your plan isn’t working. I’m more exhausted than ever!”
The doctor frowned. “That doesn’t make sense. Those are some of the strongest sleeping pills available.”
“That may be true,” she said wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs. And when I finally catch one, it’s really hard to get him to swallow the pill!”
2. The Baby Scale
A blonde holding a baby walked into a drugstore and asked the clerk if she could use the store’s baby scale.
“Sorry,” the clerk said, “our baby scale is broken. But we can figure it out another way. We can weigh you holding the baby on the adult scale, then weigh you alone, and subtract the difference.”
“Oh, that won’t work,” the blonde replied.
“Why not?” asked the clerk.
“Because,” she said, “I’m not the mother—I’m the aunt.”
3. The Headphones Rule
A blonde was rollerblading while wearing headphones.
She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut, with one condition:
“You can’t take off my headphones.”
The stylist refused, so she left and tried another salon.
This time, the stylist agreed.
As the haircut went on, the blonde eventually fell asleep in the chair.
Trying to wake her, the stylist gently removed the headphones.
Suddenly, the blonde collapsed to the floor.
Confused, the stylist picked up the headphones and put them on.
A calm voice was repeating:
“Breathe in… breathe out… breathe in… breathe out…”
4. The Knowledge Pills
In a futuristic society, knowledge could be gained by simply taking a pill.
A student walked into a pharmacy and asked, “What kind of knowledge pills do you have?”
The pharmacist replied, “We have English literature.”
The student took the pill and instantly gained knowledge of English literature.
“What else do you have?” the student asked.
“We also have art history, biology, and world history.”
The student took all of those as well and quickly absorbed the knowledge.
Then the student asked, “Do you have anything for math?”
The pharmacist paused. “Just a moment.”
He went to the back and returned with a very large pill, placing it on the counter.
“I have to take that huge pill for math?” the student asked.
The pharmacist smiled and said, “Well… math has always been a little hard to swallow.”
5. The Smart Dog
A man walks into a bar with his dog.
“This isn’t just any dog,” he tells the bartender. “This dog is incredibly smart. He can talk.”
The bartender raises an eyebrow. “Oh really?”
“Go ahead,” the man says to the dog. “What’s on top of a house?”
“Roof!” the dog barks.
The bartender shrugs. “That just sounds like barking to me.”
“Okay,” the man says, trying again. “What’s sandpaper feel like?”
“Rough!” the dog answers.
Still unimpressed, the bartender crosses his arms.
“Alright, last one,” the man says. “Who’s the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“Ruth!” the dog replies.
At that point, the bartender has had enough. He throws both the man and the dog out of the bar.
As they sit on the sidewalk, the dog looks up at the man and says, “Maybe I should’ve said DiMaggio?”
6. The Forgetful Student
A student rushes into class late, clearly out of breath.
“Sorry I’m late,” he says. “I overslept.”
The teacher looks at him and asks, “Do you have a good excuse?”
“Yes,” the student replies. “I was dreaming I was in school… and I didn’t want to be late.”
The teacher sighs. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
The student shrugs. “Exactly. That’s why I woke up confused.”
7. The Restaurant Confusion
A customer sits down at a restaurant and looks over the menu.
When the waiter comes over, he says, “I’ll have the steak, but make sure it’s well done.”
A few minutes later, the waiter returns and says, “The chef says thank you. He always tries his best.”
The customer blinks. “No, I mean I want the steak cooked well.”
The waiter nods. “Oh! In that case, I’ll tell him to do an even better job.”
8. The Elevator Problem
A short man walks into a building and approaches the front desk.
“Excuse me,” he says, “but your elevator buttons are too high. I can’t reach them.”
The receptionist thinks for a moment and says, “Have you tried using the stairs?”
The man sighs. “Yes, but the problem is… I need the elevator to get to the stairs.”