An exhausted-looking blonde dragged herself into the doctor\u2019s office.<\/p>\n
\u201cDoctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can\u2019t get a wink of sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n
The doctor smiled reassuringly and began rummaging through a drawer filled with sample medications.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have good news for you,\u201d he said. \u201cHere are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. Just take a few of these, and your troubles should be over.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGreat,\u201d the blonde replied. \u201cI\u2019ll try anything at this point.\u201d<\/p>\n
A few weeks later, she returned\u2014looking even more tired than before.<\/p>\n
\u201cDoctor, your plan isn\u2019t working. I\u2019m more exhausted than ever!\u201d<\/p>\n
The doctor frowned. \u201cThat doesn\u2019t make sense. Those are some of the strongest sleeping pills available.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat may be true,\u201d she said wearily, \u201cbut I\u2019m still up all night chasing those dogs. And when I finally catch one, it\u2019s really hard to get him to swallow the pill!\u201d<\/p>\n
A blonde holding a baby walked into a drugstore and asked the clerk if she could use the store\u2019s baby scale.<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry,\u201d the clerk said, \u201cour baby scale is broken. But we can figure it out another way. We can weigh you holding the baby on the adult scale, then weigh you alone, and subtract the difference.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, that won\u2019t work,\u201d the blonde replied.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy not?\u201d asked the clerk.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause,\u201d she said, \u201cI\u2019m not the mother\u2014I\u2019m the aunt.\u201d<\/p>\n
A blonde was rollerblading while wearing headphones.<\/p>\n
She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut, with one condition:<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can\u2019t take off my headphones.\u201d<\/p>\n
The stylist refused, so she left and tried another salon.<\/p>\n
This time, the stylist agreed.<\/p>\n
As the haircut went on, the blonde eventually fell asleep in the chair.<\/p>\n
Trying to wake her, the stylist gently removed the headphones.<\/p>\n
Suddenly, the blonde collapsed to the floor.<\/p>\n
Confused, the stylist picked up the headphones and put them on.<\/p>\n
A calm voice was repeating:<\/p>\n
\u201cBreathe in\u2026 breathe out\u2026 breathe in\u2026 breathe out\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
In a futuristic society, knowledge could be gained by simply taking a pill.<\/p>\n
A student walked into a pharmacy and asked, \u201cWhat kind of knowledge pills do you have?\u201d<\/p>\n
The pharmacist replied, \u201cWe have English literature.\u201d<\/p>\n
The student took the pill and instantly gained knowledge of English literature.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat else do you have?\u201d the student asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe also have art history, biology, and world history.\u201d<\/p>\n
The student took all of those as well and quickly absorbed the knowledge.<\/p>\n
Then the student asked, \u201cDo you have anything for math?\u201d<\/p>\n
The pharmacist paused. \u201cJust a moment.\u201d<\/p>\n
He went to the back and returned with a very large pill, placing it on the counter.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have to take that huge pill for math?\u201d the student asked.<\/p>\n
The pharmacist smiled and said, \u201cWell\u2026 math has always been a little hard to swallow.\u201d<\/p>\n
A man walks into a bar with his dog.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis isn\u2019t just any dog,\u201d he tells the bartender. \u201cThis dog is incredibly smart. He can talk.\u201d<\/p>\n
The bartender raises an eyebrow. \u201cOh really?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGo ahead,\u201d the man says to the dog. \u201cWhat\u2019s on top of a house?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRoof!\u201d the dog barks.<\/p>\n
The bartender shrugs. \u201cThat just sounds like barking to me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay,\u201d the man says, trying again. \u201cWhat\u2019s sandpaper feel like?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRough!\u201d the dog answers.<\/p>\n
Still unimpressed, the bartender crosses his arms.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlright, last one,\u201d the man says. \u201cWho\u2019s the greatest baseball player of all time?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRuth!\u201d the dog replies.<\/p>\n
At that point, the bartender has had enough. He throws both the man and the dog out of the bar.<\/p>\n
As they sit on the sidewalk, the dog looks up at the man and says, \u201cMaybe I should\u2019ve said DiMaggio?\u201d<\/p>\n
A student rushes into class late, clearly out of breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry I\u2019m late,\u201d he says. \u201cI overslept.\u201d<\/p>\n
The teacher looks at him and asks, \u201cDo you have a good excuse?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d the student replies. \u201cI was dreaming I was in school\u2026 and I didn\u2019t want to be late.\u201d<\/p>\n
The teacher sighs. \u201cThat doesn\u2019t make any sense.\u201d<\/p>\n
The student shrugs. \u201cExactly. That\u2019s why I woke up confused.\u201d<\/p>\n
A customer sits down at a restaurant and looks over the menu.<\/p>\n
When the waiter comes over, he says, \u201cI\u2019ll have the steak, but make sure it\u2019s well done.\u201d<\/p>\n
A few minutes later, the waiter returns and says, \u201cThe chef says thank you. He always tries his best.\u201d<\/p>\n
The customer blinks. \u201cNo, I mean I want the steak cooked well.\u201d<\/p>\n
The waiter nods. \u201cOh! In that case, I\u2019ll tell him to do an even better job.\u201d<\/p>\n
A short man walks into a building and approaches the front desk.<\/p>\n
\u201cExcuse me,\u201d he says, \u201cbut your elevator buttons are too high. I can\u2019t reach them.\u201d<\/p>\n
The receptionist thinks for a moment and says, \u201cHave you tried using the stairs?\u201d<\/p>\n
The man sighs. \u201cYes, but the problem is\u2026 I need the elevator to get to the stairs.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
1. The Exhausted Blonde An exhausted-looking blonde dragged herself into the doctor\u2019s office. \u201cDoctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can\u2019t get a wink of sleep.\u201d The doctor smiled reassuringly and began rummaging through a drawer filled with sample medications. \u201cI have good news for…<\/p>\n