\n
\u201cYOU TURNED MY EIGHT-HUNDRED-DOLLAR HAIR INTO A KINDERGARTEN CRAFT PROJECT!\u201d<\/p>\n
Thirty-five thousand feet up, a young woman stood in the aisle with one hand glued to her own head and pure rage written all over her face.<\/p>\n
She was pointing at me with the other hand.<\/p>\n
Every head in the cabin snapped around in my direction.<\/p>\n
Yet just two hours prior, nothing on Earth would have suggested it would come to this.<\/p>\n
Two hours earlier, I was waiting in a slow-moving duty-free queue to pick up a small surprise for my granddaughter.<\/p>\n
The line wasn\u2019t budging, and the source of the delay stood right ahead of me.<\/p>\n
She looked to be about twenty-eight, featuring blonde tresses cascading past her knees and a smartphone held at arm’s length.<\/p>\n
Her phone case bore the name BRITTANY spelled out in rhinestones, just in case she happened to forget.<\/p>\n
\u201cAll right, guys, help me out here. This one or this one?\u201d<\/p>\n
She lifted two perfume bottles toward the camera.<\/p>\n
\u201cMa\u2019am, are we checking these out?\u201d the clerk inquired.<\/p>\n
\u201cOne sec, my chat is still voting.\u201d<\/p>\n
Honey, at my time of life, \u201cone second\u201d ought to come equipped with a seating option.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know, right? They\u2019re both stunning. You know what, I\u2019ll just grab both.\u201d<\/p>\n
The cashier recited the total. The girl stared at the register display for a brief second.<\/p>\n
Then she flashed a bright smile at her screen.<\/p>\n
\u201cSelf-care is an investment, right?\u201d<\/p>\n
She paid, snatched a nearby tester bottle, and spritzed her neck, her wrists, and\u2014for good measure\u2014her cascading locks.<\/p>\n
The fragrant cloud rolled over me an instant later. I let out a cough.<\/p>\n
\u201cPardon me, dear. That scent is rather potent.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s French.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI sincerely doubt the perfumers intended for us to ingest it.\u201d<\/p>\n
The cashier let out a sound resembling a boiling kettle.<\/p>\n
\u201cGuys, apparently my fragrance is upsetting people now,\u201d she announced to her stream.<\/p>\n
She tossed her mane over her shoulder. It caught me squarely across the bridge of the nose.<\/p>\n
\u201cWatch it, sweetheart. Your hair just smacked me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen maybe don\u2019t stand so close.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am standing in a queue.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPersonal space is still a thing, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n
I retreated a step. She whipped her head around yet again.<\/p>\n
This time, it clipped my hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cDoes it genuinely require that much clearance?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cExcuse me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYour hair.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s called volume.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAh, I see. I figured Cousin Itt had finally tracked down a decent conditioner.\u201d<\/p>\n
The cashier completely lost her composure.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhatever. Some folks just don\u2019t appreciate luxury locks.\u201d Near the exit, she glanced back. \u201cPerhaps you\u2019re simply envious.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf the fragrance? Not particularly.\u201d<\/p>\n
She departed. The aroma lingered behind like an uninvited guest who missed the cue that the gathering was over.<\/p>\n
The clerk scanned my gift. \u201cA very lucky granddaughter.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe better think so. I\u2019m told it\u2019s the sole item on her wish list.\u201d<\/p>\n
I zipped it into my handbag and set off to locate my boarding gate.<\/p>\n
I felt certain of two things. I would never lay eyes on that girl again, and the present would arrive safely in Emily\u2019s hands.<\/p>\n
I turned out to be mistaken on both counts.<\/p>\n
My row was situated near the tail of the plane. I arrived just as the perfume made its entrance.<\/p>\n
Heavy. Sugary. French.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, guys, final boarding call! Let me give you a peek at my seating spot!\u201d<\/p>\n
An elderly gentleman in my row was hoisting his luggage toward the overhead compartment.<\/p>\n
The blonde halted a row ahead and spun around to give her followers a view of the cabin.<\/p>\n
Her locks whipped around with her, lagging half a second behind.<\/p>\n
It caught him right across the face. His spectacles flew one way; his bag went the other.<\/p>\n
I managed to catch the luggage in mid-air.<\/p>\n
\u201cMuch obliged.\u201d He retrieved his glasses. \u201cI\u2019m under the impression I\u2019ve just been assaulted by a shampoo ad.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d say your impression is correct.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you suppose I ought to log a formal complaint?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt would be quite an extensive paperwork process. There\u2019s a tremendous amount of surface area.\u201d<\/p>\n
He offered a warm smile. \u201cHarold.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMartha.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMartha, I sincerely pray she isn\u2019t seated anywhere near us.\u201d<\/p>\n
She dropped into the seat immediately in front of mine.<\/p>\n
Naturally she did.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, good grief. Not you again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat a remarkably small world.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you tailing me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, dear. Your perfume preceded you.\u201d<\/p>\n
As soon as the fasten-seatbelt sign chimed off, she popped up in the aisle with her phone positioned behind her.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlright, guys, you asked for the rear angle view.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEight hundred dollars, everyone. Look at that length. Every penny well spent.\u201d<\/p>\n
She pivoted in a circle, moving like a rotisserie chicken.<\/p>\n
Then she took her seat and flung the entire length backward over her headrest like wet laundry on a clothesline.<\/p>\n
It draped across my meal tray, over my armrest, and\u2014strand by individual strand\u2014across my forehead.<\/p>\n
\u201cPardon me. Would you mind shifting your hair?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot right now. I\u2019m broadcasting live.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sure your audience is fascinated. Though I\u2019d be far more impressed if it remained on your side of the boundary.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, please. It\u2019s just hair.\u201d<\/p>\n
Harold leaned over. \u201cEight hundred dollars. I paid less for my very first automobile.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid it come equipped with a steering wheel?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEventually, yes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I let out a chuckle. It provided a temporary distraction.<\/p>\n
Yet an hour later, I was ready to launch myself into the stratosphere out of sheer exasperation.<\/p>\n
\u201cHonestly, why are you so fixated on my hair?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not fixated. I\u2019m merely occupying the space directly behind it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re just jealous. When was the last time you sported locks like these? Half a century ago?\u201d<\/p>\n
My hair is short and silver these days, and I harbor zero regrets about leaving the old style behind.<\/p>\n
I raised three children and laid a husband to rest, and I refuse to apologize for a single year of it.<\/p>\n
\u201cAs it happens, I maintained rather splendid hair throughout the Reagan administration.\u201d<\/p>\n
She laughed aloud. \u201cSee? Ancient history.\u201d<\/p>\n
At that moment, the lunch trolley rolled down the aisle.<\/p>\n
The flight attendant\u2019s name tag read Kelly.<\/p>\n
Brittany threw her mane back to snap a selfie alongside her meal tray, and the ends dipped straight into my rice bowl.<\/p>\n
\u201cExcuse me! Your hair is sitting in my lunch.\u201d<\/p>\n
She didn\u2019t even bother to turn around. \u201cThen skip eating it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI wasn\u2019t intending to.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cProblem solved, then.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot entirely. I would rather prefer to consume the remainder of my meal.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLady, you\u2019re creating an immense drama over nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou wouldn\u2019t happen to have my fork tucked up in there, would you? It seems to have vanished.\u201d<\/p>\n
Across the aisle, a teenage boy let out a snort. His mother gave him a sharp pinch. Even her own mouth was twitching.<\/p>\n
I pressed the overhead service chime. Kelly promptly removed my tray and asked Brittany to keep her hair confined to her own space.<\/p>\n
\u201cFine! Whatever!\u201d<\/p>\n
Kelly walked away. Brittany immediately turned back to her device.<\/p>\n
\u201cGuys, apparently I\u2019m barred from having hair on this particular flight.<\/span>\u201d<\/p>\n Then she tossed it straight backward once more.<\/p>\n \u201cOops.\u201d<\/p>\n My replacement lunch was served.<\/p>\n I managed to eat in absolute tranquility for precisely two minutes.<\/p>\n I am not particularly fond of flying, so I had ordered a modest glass of white wine to steady my nerves. When the aircraft hit some turbulence, I gripped the stem with both hands like a sacred chalice.<\/p>\n Right on cue, the hair descended.<\/p>\n Not near it\u2014directly into it. The tips swirled around in my wine like a paintbrush dipped in a jar of water.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, for heaven\u2019s sake.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat is it now?!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYour hair is submerged in my wine.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPerhaps you shouldn\u2019t be partaking at your age anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI beg your pardon?\u201d<\/p>\n She elevated her phone high above the seatback.<\/p>\n \u201cGuys, she\u2019s giving me the furious grandma glare!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWould you kindly remove that apparatus from my line of sight?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRelax. I have eleven hundred viewers tuned in. You\u2019re basically just background ambiance.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cShall I summon Kelly once more?\u201d Harold inquired quietly.<\/p>\n I stared down at the wine I no longer had any desire to touch.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Harold. I believe I\u2019ve reached my limit.\u201d<\/p>\n I reached down toward the floor for my tote bag.<\/p>\n Brittany continued her live broadcast uninterrupted.<\/p>\n I drew a hundred-dollar bill from my billfold and let it drift downward to land near Brittany\u2019s shoes.<\/p>\n \u201cSweetheart? I think you dropped something.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n She glanced downward, bent forward, snatched the banknote off the floor, and stuffed it directly into her handbag.<\/p>\n \u201cGuess your eyesight isn’t completely shot after all. Appreciate it.\u201d<\/p>\n Naturally, she pocketed it. In her universe, anything that landed near her vicinity automatically belonged to her.<\/p>\n Yet her hair remained long enough to occupy two zones simultaneously. The rest of her body had shifted down, but the tresses stayed draped over the seatback, the tips piled upon my meal tray.<\/p>\n I unzipped the gift package.<\/p>\n I scooped up a generous dollop. I worked it thoroughly into the ends, continuing twenty inches up the length for good measure.<\/p>\n My original intention had been to leave behind a subtle reminder.<\/p>\n \u201cRemind me never to get on your bad side,\u201d Harold whispered under his breath.<\/p>\n \u201cThen I suggest keeping your hair to yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAt my stage of life, that\u2019s hardly a challenge.\u201d<\/p>\n Brittany shifted upright.<\/p>\n The young boy across the aisle noticed first.<\/p>\n \u201cMom! Look!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHush, don\u2019t stare.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut there\u2019s something strange caught in her hair!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat? What is everyone looking at?\u201d<\/p>\n Silence answered her. The boy had both hands clapped firmly over his mouth.<\/p>\n She flipped her phone around to utilize the screen as a makeshift mirror.<\/p>\n The stream was still active, meaning eleven hundred individuals caught the spectacle right along with her.<\/p>\n Pink. Shimmering. Clinging tightly to her shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cWHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT?!\u201d<\/p>\n She gave it a poke. Her fingertip came away linked to it by a gooey string.<\/p>\n \u201cIS THAT SLIME?!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSlime, dear. It was originally intended for my granddaughter. You\u2019re simply an early adopter.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYOU PUT SLIME IN MY HAIR?!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYour hair was resting inside my lunch. I figured we were engaging in a trade.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTHESE EXTENSIONS COST EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, darling. You\u2019ve mentioned that fact repeatedly. I\u2019d advise keeping your hands away from it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDON\u2019T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!\u201d<\/p>\n The slime refused to snap cleanly. Instead, it stretched outward\u2014a long, glittering filament connecting her scalp to her hand.<\/p>\n Her acrylic fingernails sank into it like forks digging into spaghetti.<\/p>\n When she yanked her hand free, the pink goo stretched between her fingers like melted mozzarella.<\/p>\n She wiped the residue onto her jeans, followed by the armrest, leaving smears on both surfaces.<\/p>\n She shook her head vigorously, causing a sticky strand to slap against her cheek and adhere firmly in place.<\/p>\n I felt as though I had imparted a valuable lesson, though I had no clue what kind of repercussions awaited me once we touched down.<\/p>\n She grabbed frantically at it using the hand still clutching her phone. The device glued itself straight to her palm.<\/p>\n \u201cMom, she\u2019s practically spinning cotton candy!\u201d the boy blurted out.<\/p>\n His mother attempted to quiet him, though her own mouth was trembling with suppressed laughter.<\/p>\n \u201cYOU ANCIENT WORM! LOOK AT WHAT YOU\u2019VE DONE!\u201d<\/p>\n Kelly came rushing briskly down the aisle.<\/p>\n \u201cMa\u2019am, please take your seat!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI WANT OFF THIS AIRCRAFT!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMa\u2019am, we are currently cruising at thirty-five thousand feet.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI COULDN\u2019T CARE LESS! JUST LOOK AT MY HAIR!\u201d<\/p>\n Which brings us right back to the screaming match. One exasperated woman, one crowded cabin, and my handiwork proudly displayed on her head.<\/p>\n Kelly guided her back into her seat. The phone remained firmly glued to Brittany\u2019s palm, screen facing outward and broadcasting her own face.<\/p>\n \u201cSomebody shut it off! The stream! I can\u2019t do it, my fingers are completely stuck!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cKeep still for a moment.\u201d<\/p>\n I grasped the phone by its edges using a paper napkin, located the power button, and pressed it. It required three attempts.<\/p>\n The entire screen was slick with slime.<\/p>\n I couldn\u2019t help catching a glimpse of the final chat comments before the display went dark.<\/p>\n LMAOOO<\/i>somebody toss her some cooking oil<\/i>why is nobody coming to her rescue<\/i>bro she literally dumped her hair in grandma\u2019s lunch for an HOUR<\/i>grandma is my absolute hero ngl<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cWhat are they saying about me?\u201d Brittany demanded.<\/p>\n \u201cThey appear concerned about the state of your hair.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFor the most part.\u201d<\/p>\n Kelly crouched down beside my row. \u201cMa\u2019am. Did you orchestrate this?\u201d<\/p>\n I had indulged in my petty fun. Now it was time to behave my age.<\/p>\n \u201cI did. And I intend to fix it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s a vacant seat directly beside her. Please resolve this quietly.\u201d<\/p>\n Harold slid my salad across the seatback and extended a tiny vial of olive oil.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy on earth would I let you touch my hair again?\u201d Brittany snapped.<\/p>\n \u201cBecause I happen to know how to extract this substance. And I give you my word I won\u2019t add any more.\u201d<\/p>\n I tested a single strand. A drop of oil, some patient thumbwork, and the slime finally released its grip.<\/p>\n \u201cJust don\u2019t touch the clips,\u201d Brittany warned.<\/p>\n \u201cI wouldn\u2019t dream of it.\u201d<\/p>\n I raised three children, and one of them once had a major chewing gum incident. This proved far simpler than gum.<\/p>\n Kelly returned a moment later, leaning in close.<\/p>\n \u201cMa\u2019am, regarding the authorities. Would you still like us to have police meet the aircraft upon arrival?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes!\u201d Brittany hissed. \u201cWithout a doubt!\u201d<\/p>\n Kelly looked over at me.<\/p>\n \u201cI understand,\u201d I replied.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll need to log an official report of the incident,\u201d Kelly noted. \u201cI\u2019ll check back in with you prior to landing.\u201d<\/p>\n She stepped away.<\/p>\n \u201cMy hair extensions ate up almost every penny I had left for the month.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen why spend it in the first place?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause I wanted to look presentable.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou already did.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou simply don\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTry explaining it to me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEveryone on the internet looks flawless. Flawless hair, flawless skin, flawless everything.\u201dKoh<\/p>\n \u201cAnd you figured purchasing all those extras would guarantee happiness?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI honestly don\u2019t know. Perhaps.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s an awfully expensive perhaps.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI couldn\u2019t even really afford the designer perfume either. I\u2019m twenty-eight years old, and I already feel ancient.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, sweetheart. You\u2019re speaking to a seventy-three-year-old woman.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd I\u2019m having a thoroughly delightful time. Aside from this particular flight.\u201d<\/p>\n A tiny ghost of a smile appeared on her face.<\/p>\n I refrained from lecturing her. Gentle actions speak louder than speeches anyway.<\/p>\n \u201cYour hands resemble my grandmother\u2019s hands.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIs that intended as a compliment?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah. She used to weave my hair into braids when I was a little girl.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDoes she still do so?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo. She passed away a few years back.\u201d<\/p>\n I gathered three clean strands of hair.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I certainly haven\u2019t forgotten the technique.\u201d<\/p>\n The slime was completely gone. What remained was a heavily oiled, perfectly intact set of hair extensions.<\/p>\n I wove them into a single, neat braid so nothing more could catch on the seating structure.<\/p>\n \u201cSo it isn\u2019t totally ruined?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s essentially a salad dressing situation. Wash it out twice and you\u2019ll be right as rain.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI haven\u2019t worn a single braid in years.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt suits you well. You\u2019re an attractive young woman, Brittany. You don\u2019t require eight hundred dollars worth of upgrades to prove it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry for repeatedly throwing my hair at you. And for my remarks regarding your age.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat part was rather impolite.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know it was.\u201d<\/p>\n I secured the end of the braid with a band.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd I\u2019m sorry for depositing slime in your hair.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah. That was pretty low.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt truly was.\u201d<\/p>\n Brittany stared down at her new braid.<\/p>\n \u201cThanks for straightening it out for me, though.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou are very welcome, sweetheart.\u201d<\/p>\n Kelly reappeared a few minutes later.<\/p>\n \u201cMa\u2019am, concerning the police presence. Do you still wish for us to request that officers meet the plane?\u201d<\/p>\n Brittany hesitated for a beat.<\/p>\n \u201cNo. I\u2019ve changed my mind.\u201d<\/p>\n Kelly gave a brief nod.<\/p>\n Once she walked away, I turned back to Brittany.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat made you change your mind?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause I know how that video actually looks to outsiders,\u201d she mumbled.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd how does it look?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLike I completely had it coming.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI would have phrased it more gently. But I wouldn\u2019t have disagreed.\u201d<\/p>\n She let out a soft, genuine laugh.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd, sweetheart, I believe you currently have possession of an item belonging to me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat item?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cA hundred-dollar bill.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat was YOUR money? I honestly thought it was mine!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOf course you did, dear.\u201d<\/p>\n I chose to pretend to believe her. It was the kindest course of action for both of us.<\/p>\n She dug the banknote out of her pocket and handed it across the aisle.<\/p>\n \u201cApology accepted.\u201d<\/p>\n I returned to my own seat. Harold had kept it warm\u2014or at least unoccupied.<\/p>\n \u201cWould you care to grab a cup of coffee once we touch down?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cAre you always this forward with female passengers on commercial flights?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOnly the dangerous ones.\u201d<\/p>\n The captain\u2019s voice came over the intercom, announcing our final descent.<\/p>\n Emily would simply receive a financial check instead. We could go shop for a replacement gift together over the weekend.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cYOU TURNED MY EIGHT-HUNDRED-DOLLAR HAIR INTO A KINDERGARTEN CRAFT PROJECT!\u201d Thirty-five thousand feet up, a young woman stood in the aisle with one hand glued to her own head and pure rage written all over her face. She was pointing at me with the other hand. Every head in the cabin snapped around in my…<\/p>\n