When I fell ill, I turned to my spouse with one humble request: assistance with our two little ones. Instead, he claimed I contributed “nothing” since my place was at the household. Thus, I resolved to demonstrate precisely what my efforts were valued at.
\nI developed asthma about a year ago, and most of the time it barely affected my life. I took my medication, kept an inhaler nearby, and carried on.
\nThen I caught a brutal cold.
\nNormally, I could have rested.
\nWithin two days, my asthma flared so badly that lying down made me cough. I spent two nights sleeping upright against pillows, waking every hour because my chest felt tight.
\nNormally, I could have rested.
\nUnfortunately, I have a two-year-old and a three-year-old.
\nAnd toddlers do not care whether you\u2019ve slept.
\nI wore a mask around the kids and tried not to cough near them.
\nAt six-thirty each morning, somebody still wanted breakfast. Somebody needed a diaper changed. Somebody spilled milk. Somebody demanded the blue cup instead of the identical green cup.
\nBy the second morning, I felt awful.
\nI wore a mask around the kids and tried not to cough near them.
\nMeanwhile, Derek, my partner, proceeded with his usual routine.
\nI handled almost everything during the day, and Derek did a few things when he got home.
\nHe works full-time and leaves around eight.
\nI stay home with the children.
\nUsually, that arrangement worked because I handled almost everything during the day, and Derek did a few things when he got home.
\nThat week, though, I needed more.
\nAfter another awful night, I found him drinking coffee in the kitchen.
\n\u201cI slept maybe two hours. I\u2019m coughing constantly, and the kids are climbing all over me.\u201d
\n\u201cDerek, can you work from home today?\u201d
\nHe frowned.
\n\u201cWhy?\u201d
\nI stared at him.
\n\u201cBecause I\u2019m sick.\u201d
\n\u201cI know you\u2019re sick.\u201d
\n\u201cYou stay home, so you have to take care of the kids.\u201d
\n\u201cI slept maybe two hours. I\u2019m coughing constantly, and the kids are climbing all over me. I need one day to recover.\u201d
\nHe crossed his arms.
\n\u201cYou stay home, so you have to take care of the kids.\u201d
\nI thought I had misheard him.
\n\u201cWhat?\u201d
\n\u201cYou don\u2019t do anything anyway. I\u2019m the only one who works around here.\u201d
\nOur son was throwing cereal under the table while our daughter yelled because her banana had broken in half.
\nFor a second, I forgot about my cough.
\nI just looked at him.
\nOur son was throwing cereal under the table while our daughter yelled because her banana had broken in half.
\nDerek glanced at his watch.
\n\u201cI can\u2019t just skip work whenever you\u2019re tired.\u201d
\n\u201cI\u2019m not tired. I\u2019m sick.\u201d
\nI made lunch while sitting on a kitchen stool because standing made me dizzy.
\n\u201cSame difference.\u201d
\nI was too exhausted to fight.
\n\u201cFine.\u201d
\nHe left.
\nThat day was miserable.
\nI made lunch while sitting on a kitchen stool because standing made me dizzy. My son refused his nap. By four, I was counting the minutes until Derek came home.
\nThe next morning, I realized I was nearly out of one medication.
\nI told myself he had been stressed.
\nMaybe he would apologize.
\nHe didn\u2019t.
\nThe next morning, I realized I was nearly out of one medication.
\nDerek was putting on his shoes when I asked, \u201cCan you stop at the pharmacy before work?\u201d
\n\u201cOh God. What else do you need?\u201d
\nHe groaned.
\n\u201cOh God. What else do you need?\u201d
\n\u201cNothing else. Just the prescription.\u201d
\n\u201cI have to work.\u201d
\n\u201cIt\u2019s ten minutes away.\u201d
\n\u201cThen go yourself.\u201d
\n\u201cYou should be grateful you even have me. No other man would put up with a sick wife.\u201d
\nI stared at him.
\n\u201cDerek, I\u2019m asking you to pick up medication because I\u2019m struggling to breathe comfortably.\u201d
\nHe grabbed his keys.
\n\u201cNo. I\u2019m not doing it. You should be grateful you even have me. No other man would put up with a sick wife.\u201d
\nI actually laughed once because the sentence was so ridiculous.
\nHe got louder.
\nI stood in the hallway listening to his car pull away.
\n\u201cYou stay home, so you take care of everything!\u201d
\nThen he slammed the door.
\nI stood in the hallway listening to his car pull away.
\nOur daughter walked over holding a stuffed rabbit.
\n\u201cMommy sad?\u201d
\nI crouched down.
\nInstead, while the kids watched cartoons, I opened my laptop.
\n\u201cMommy\u2019s just sick, baby.\u201d
\nShe hugged my leg.
\nSomething in me shifted.
\nI wasn\u2019t going to scream at Derek.
\nI wasn\u2019t going to send him twenty angry messages.
\nInstead, while the kids watched cartoons, I opened my laptop.
\nIf what I did all day was \u201cnothing,\u201d I wondered how much it would cost to replace some of it.
\nThe first thing I did was arrange pharmacy delivery. If Derek wouldn\u2019t spend ten minutes picking up the medication I needed to breathe comfortably, I wasn\u2019t going to drag two toddlers across town while I was sick just to prove I could manage without him.
\nThen I kept going.
\nIf what I did all day was \u201cnothing,\u201d I wondered how much it would cost to replace some of it.
\nI started with the things that would keep me from dragging two toddlers through stores while I could barely breathe.
\nPrepared meals for several days.
\nAnd finally, I ordered one thing I knew Derek would notice.
\nToddler snacks.
\nDiapers and wipes delivered.
\nDisposable plates so I could skip some dishes.
\nThen I booked a laundry pickup.
\nI scheduled one professional cleaning.
\nAnd finally, I ordered one thing I knew Derek would notice.
\nThe groceries and prepared meals arrived first, and I put them away.
\nA large indoor play enclosure.
\nIt would take up part of the living room, but it would let the kids play safely beside me while I sat down instead of chasing them every second.
\nI paid extra for same-day delivery.
\nThe groceries and prepared meals arrived first, and I put them away.
\nThe laundry pickup came and went.
\nIt came nearly to my shoulder and took up half the space beside the front door.
\nThe cleaning appointment was scheduled for later that week.
\nBut the last delivery stayed on the porch.
\nThe box was enormous.
\nIt came nearly to my shoulder and took up half the space beside the front door.
\nA full-color picture of the assembled play enclosure covered one side of the carton, complete with smiling toddlers sitting inside it. There was no mistaking what it was.
\nI heard his car door.
\nI was sitting on the couch when Derek came home.
\nI heard his car door.
\nThen silence.
\nThen:
\n\u201cOh God!\u201d
\nThe front door flew open.
\nHis voice was loud enough that our son started laughing.
\n\u201cWhat have you done?\u201d
\nI looked up.
\n\u201cHi.\u201d
\n\u201cNO. Not this.\u201d
\nHis voice was loud enough that our son started laughing.
\nDerek pointed toward the porch.
\n\u201cWhat is in that thing?\u201d
\nBefore I could answer, someone knocked.
\n\u201cSomething I need.\u201d
\n\u201cWhy is there a box the size of a refrigerator outside our house?\u201d
\nBefore I could answer, someone knocked.
\nIt was our neighbor Linda.
\nShe looked at Derek, then at the enormous carton.
\n\u201cEverything okay? I heard yelling.\u201d
\nHer eyes went back to the box.
\nDerek\u2019s face turned beet red.
\n\u201cAnd now I have to ask. What on earth is in there?\u201d
\nAnother neighbor across the street had stepped onto her porch and was openly staring.
\nDerek\u2019s face turned beet red.
\n\u201cEverything\u2019s fine.\u201d
\nI smiled at Linda.
\n\u201cIt\u2019s a play enclosure for the kids.\u201d
\n\u201cYou bought that?\u201d
\nShe blinked.
\n\u201cThat whole thing?\u201d
\n\u201cApparently.\u201d
\nDerek looked at me.
\n\u201cYou bought that?\u201d
\n\u201cI did.\u201d
\nDerek reached for the door.
\nLinda glanced between us.
\n\u201cWell, now I\u2019m curious why.\u201d
\nDerek reached for the door.
\n\u201cWe\u2019re fine, Linda.\u201d
\nI said, \u201cDerek told me I don\u2019t do anything, so I\u2019m replacing some of the nothing.\u201d
\nLinda looked at him.
\nLinda gave me the smallest smile and headed home.
\nThen at the enormous box.
\n\u201cExpensive nothing.\u201d
\nDerek\u2019s face went even redder.
\nLinda gave me the smallest smile and headed home.
\nDerek shut the door.
\nThen he noticed the receipts on the table.
\nHis eyes widened.
\n\u201cWhat did you spend?\u201d
\nI handed them to him.
\nHis eyes widened.
\n\u201cAre you serious?\u201d
\n\u201cCompletely.\u201d
\n\u201cWe can\u2019t spend money like this every week.\u201d
\n\u201cExactly.\u201d
\nI pointed toward the first receipt.
\nHe stopped.
\nI pointed toward the first receipt.
\n\u201cPrepared meals. I don\u2019t have to cook while I\u2019m sick.\u201d
\nThe next.
\n\u201cCleaning service.\u201d
\nThen another.
\n\u201cAnd that giant box?\u201d
\n\u201cLaundry pickup.\u201d
\nHe stared at me.
\n\u201cAnd that giant box?\u201d
\n\u201cA play enclosure. The kids can play safely beside me while I recover.\u201d
\nDerek dropped the receipts.
\n\u201cThis is insane.\u201d
\n\u201cI never said you literally do nothing.\u201d
\n\u201cNo. It\u2019s what happens when some of the things I supposedly don\u2019t do have to be done by somebody else.\u201d
\nHis jaw tightened.
\n\u201cI never said you literally do nothing.\u201d
\n\u201cYou said those exact words yesterday.\u201d
\n\u201cI was frustrated.\u201d
\n\u201cYou said them again this morning.\u201d
\nI picked up the notebook beside me.
\nHe opened his mouth.
\nI picked up the notebook beside me.
\n\u201cWhat is that?\u201d
\n\u201cThings I\u2019ve done today.\u201d
\nHe looked suspicious.
\nI opened it.
\n\u201cThis isn\u2019t me saying my job is harder than yours.\u201d
\n\u201cBreakfast. Dishes. Diaper changes. Getting them dressed. Lunch. Cleaning up lunch. Nap routine. Snacks. Keeping them occupied while I tried not to cough on them.\u201d
\nI turned the page.
\n\u201cAnd that\u2019s before dinner, baths, bedtime, laundry, groceries, appointments, and everything else.\u201d
\n\u201cOkay, Megan.\u201d
\n\u201cNo.\u201d
\n\u201cThen what do you want?\u201d
\nI kept my voice calm.
\n\u201cThis isn\u2019t me saying my job is harder than yours. I\u2019m not interested in competing.\u201d
\nHe sat down.
\n\u201cThen what do you want?\u201d
\n\u201cI want you to choose.\u201d
\n\u201cChoose what?\u201d
\n\u201cYou\u2019re sick. You\u2019ll feel better next week.\u201d
\n\u201cWe keep paying people to do part of my nothing, or you start doing some of it.\u201d
\nHe stared at me for several seconds.
\nThen he said, \u201cYou\u2019re sick. You\u2019ll feel better next week.\u201d
\nThere it was.
\nHe thought this was temporary.
\nI smiled.
\nDerek watched a woman carry supplies upstairs.
\n\u201cWe\u2019ll see.\u201d
\nTwo days later, the cleaning service arrived.
\nDerek watched a woman carry supplies upstairs.
\n\u201cHow much is this costing again?\u201d
\nI told him.
\nHe winced.
\n\u201cI could clean the bathrooms.\u201d
\n\u201cFor cleaning bathrooms?\u201d
\n\u201cAnd the kitchen and floors.\u201d
\n\u201cI could clean the bathrooms.\u201d
\n\u201cGreat.\u201d
\nHe looked surprised by how quickly I answered.
\n\u201cI\u2019ll cancel the next visit.\u201d
\nBy six, the bathrooms were untouched.
\nSaturday came.
\nDerek slept until nine. He made coffee, watched television with the kids, and repeatedly announced that he would clean \u201cin a minute.\u201d
\nBy six, the bathrooms were untouched.
\nHe finally noticed me walking past with towels.
\n\u201cYou\u2019re seriously not going to do it?\u201d
\n\u201cYou said you would.\u201d
\n\u201cWhenever you want. It\u2019s your problem.\u201d
\nHe stared toward the bathroom.
\n\u201cTonight?\u201d
\n\u201cWhenever you want. It\u2019s your problem.\u201d
\nHe cleaned it after dinner.
\nThen the laundry pickup charge appeared on our account.
\n\u201cThat\u2019s ridiculous,\u201d he said.
\n\u201cI can wash clothes.\u201d
\n\u201cI agree.\u201d
\n\u201cI can wash clothes.\u201d
\n\u201cPerfect. Laundry is yours now.\u201d
\nHe laughed.
\n\u201cAll the laundry?\u201d
\n\u201cYes.\u201d
\n\u201cMegan, where are the towels?\u201d
\nHe stopped laughing.
\nThe first week, he turned several of the children\u2019s light shirts pink with a red sock.
\nThe next weekend, he discovered too late that nobody had clean bath towels.
\n\u201cMegan, where are the towels?\u201d
\n\u201cProbably in your laundry.\u201d
\nHis expression was almost offended.
\nThat night, I told Derek we needed another conversation.
\nThen he remembered.
\nThat was when I realized something.
\nIf I still had to remember when laundry needed doing, tell him what was running low, and answer every question, I was still managing it. His hands might have been doing the work, but the responsibility was still mine.
\nThat night, I told Derek we needed another conversation.
\nHe looked alarmed.
\n\u201cI want you to take responsibility.\u201d
\n\u201cHow expensive is this one?\u201d
\n\u201cPotentially free.\u201d
\nHe sat down.
\n\u201cI don\u2019t want occasional help,\u201d I said. \u201cI want you to take responsibility.\u201d
\nLaundry became his.
\nIf someone ran out of pajamas, Derek solved it.
\nHe also took Thursday dinner.
\nIf detergent ran out, Derek noticed.
\nHe also took Thursday dinner, both weekend breakfasts, and bath time four nights each week.
\nHe resisted.
\n\u201cWhy four?\u201d
\n\u201cBecause there are seven nights.\u201d
\n\u201cYou\u2019re home all day.\u201d
\nMaybe he was agreeing because he wanted the argument to end.
\n\u201cAnd you\u2019re their father every day.\u201d
\nHe went quiet.
\nEventually, he said, \u201cOkay.\u201d
\nBut I still didn\u2019t know whether he understood the difference between doing a chore and actually being responsible for it.
\nMaybe he was agreeing because he wanted the argument to end.
\nSo I stopped reminding him.
\nSometimes he waited so long that I suspected he expected me to give in and do it myself.
\nThe adjustment was messy.
\nHe forgot things.
\nHe complained.
\nSometimes he waited so long that I suspected he expected me to give in and do it myself.
\nI didn\u2019t.
\nOnce the cold finally cleared and I could sleep lying down again, I realized the argument had changed something that getting better physically hadn\u2019t.
\nOnce I recovered, I made another change.
\nI wasn\u2019t willing to go back to managing everything just because I was healthy enough to do it again.
\nOnce I recovered, I made another change.
\nI found a small local playgroup we could comfortably afford and enrolled the kids two afternoons each week.
\nDerek asked, \u201cWhy? You don\u2019t need childcare if you\u2019re home.\u201d
\n\u201cI want those afternoons.\u201d
\n\u201cFor what?\u201d
\nFor years, all my time had belonged to the house.
\nI thought about it.
\nFor years, all my time had belonged to the house, the kids, errands, appointments, or Derek\u2019s schedule.
\n\u201cI don\u2019t know yet.\u201d
\nHe waited.
\nI shrugged.
\n\u201cI might read. I might take a class. I might sit somewhere quiet and drink coffee.\u201d
\nOver the next few months, our house changed in small ways.
\n\u201cThat\u2019s it?\u201d
\n\u201cThat\u2019s enough.\u201d
\nHe didn\u2019t argue.
\nOver the next few months, our house changed in small ways.
\nNot magically.
\nDerek still complained sometimes.
\nOne Thursday, Derek came home carrying detergent.
\nI still had to stop myself from fixing problems that belonged to him.
\nBut slowly, I stopped being the only person who noticed what needed doing.
\nOne Thursday, Derek came home carrying detergent.
\nI hadn\u2019t asked him to buy it.
\nHe set it on the counter.
\nA few months earlier, I would have been the only person who noticed.
\n\u201cWe were almost out.\u201d
\nI looked at the bottle.
\nA few months earlier, I would have been the only person who noticed.
\nHe had finally seen something before I did.
\nOur marriage still needed work.
\nI stopped accepting the idea that financial income made his time more valuable than mine.
\nOne decent stretch of parenting didn\u2019t erase the way he had spoken to me when I was sick and struggling to breathe.
\nLearning to notice detergent didn\u2019t make me forget the morning he\u2019d refused to spend ten minutes picking up medication when I could barely breathe comfortably.
\nIt didn\u2019t erase the insult either.
\nBut I stopped accepting the idea that financial income made his time more valuable than mine.
\nSeveral months after the argument, another large carton appeared on our porch.
\n\u201cWhat did you order?\u201d
\nMy husband came home, saw it, and froze.
\nHe opened the door carefully.
\n\u201cWhat did you order?\u201d
\nI smiled.
\n\u201cNothing for the house.\u201d
\nInside was a sewing machine.
\nFor one second, I expected him to ask the price.
\nI had loved sewing before the kids were born. I had sold my old machine because we needed space for a crib and never replaced it.
\nDerek looked at the box.
\nThen at me.
\nFor one second, I expected him to ask the price.
\nThis was one thing that was just mine.
\nInstead, he said:
\n\u201cOkay. Where are we putting it?\u201d
\nMonths earlier, the biggest box on our porch had been something I needed so I could keep taking care of everyone else.
\nThis was one thing that was just mine.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
When I fell ill, I turned to my spouse with one humble request: assistance with our two little ones. Instead, he claimed I contributed “nothing” since my place was at the household. Thus, I resolved to demonstrate precisely what my efforts were valued at. I developed asthma about a year ago, and most of the…<\/p>\n